woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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