Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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