apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
