oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
