WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
