I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
