I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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