EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
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