I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
