I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
