I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
