threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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