Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
