my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
