you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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