I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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