smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
