i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize