the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
