seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
