Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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