No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
