dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
