Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
