I swear she didn't look like that last week.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
