miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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