Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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