DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
