I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
