Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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