I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Randomize
