If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
