if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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