I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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