how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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