Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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