You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Houston, we have a squirter
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
