i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
