I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
