I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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