Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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