i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
