Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
