dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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