when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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