I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
