I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize