Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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