my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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