Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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