Got a toothbrush?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
did i walk over a car last night?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
