Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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