I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
