You're my little dorito
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
this hospital has no fireball
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
