With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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